Lamentations of a Critter Catcher

3/14/19 

So, I have a cat, Satch, named after the great musician, not the great baseball player.  Satch has been with me for ten years now has me trained me pretty well.  I have a love/hate relationship with Satch, and I was recalling last night a good example of why.  A recount of the story from a few years ago now. 
  
I keep my kitchen clean, but living out here in the woods, it's bound to happen, one day something uninvited will set up house in your kitchen.  I had noticed a little scurrying going on in the cabinets lately and thought it could be one of two things - one of the wood roaches around here that are the size of '98 Lincolns, or a little mouse.  I have a bit of Buddhist temperament, in that I try to avoid killing things (other than blood sucking Alabama mosquitos) as often as I can.  I read that peppermint essential oil is a turnoff to these uninvited guests, so I arranged doused cotton pads with it until my kitchen smelled like a Scope bomb.  Then I searched the net and found what appeared to be a good solution for a "humane" way to get rid of a mouse in your house.   Here was the plan, which I implemented with exacting precision: 
  
1.  Take kitchen garbage can tall enough that a mouse Globetrotter on steroids will not be able to jump out of; 
2.  Create "ramp" out of cardboard with a lip overlapping the edge of the garbage can; 
3.  Take paper towel roll and fashion it into sleek little mousie tunnel; 
4.  Take cracker with peanut butter and tentatively perch on end of paper towel roll mousie tunnel above can; 
5.  At night presumably the sweet little mouse will scurry up the ramp, sniff alluring peanut butter cracker, and unable to control its passion, lean over to get treat and end up in tall trash can, humiliated but unharmed.  My plan was to the cover can with large piece of aluminum foil, poke breathing hole for mouse, drive mouse 2 miles away to open field and release.  Had to be some level of good karma in this approach. 
  
Three nights I had this contraption set up in my kitchen…and nada.  So, I spent the weekend at my mom’s house and left the little critter alone to pursue its goal, and when I got home…nada.  I put the contraption away, disgusted.  In the meantime, Satch knew it was around somewhere.  He would change between happy purring on "his chair" going in and out of naps to jumping up and perching before the cabinet like the Nosferatu version of Count Dracula.  Then, he would leisurely jump back up on the chair and go back to his napping. 
  
I was fast asleep at 3am one morning when Satch made his little cat sound that says "I'm coming up to sleep with you and nestle in your knees and purrrrr."  I thought, how sweet.  Then I notice he was batting something around in the bed - yes, you guessed it, the "little critter".  Can you guess how fast I got out of that bed and turned on the light and prayed that I could see well enough to find my glasses?  There he was, looking up at me happily, batting around a large, dead RAT.  I was creeped out beyond belief.  Still, I knew I had to get it out of the house.  So, I took a trashcan and covered it up, slipped a manila file folder underneath the can to be able to lift it and take it outside.  I dropped the thing twice with a sickening thud before getting it out of the house, each time making me feel like I had had a goldfish enema.  Finally got the rat out, the cat out, the creeps under control, and went back to sleep. 
  
At 5:00, the cat comes back in, sweet little sound from him, then unbelievable commotion and I am thinking "Oh God, he's brought in the rest of the RAT family.  I again jumped out of bed, turned on the light and he was torturing a beautiful little bird.  This time I scooped up Satch, who was in full bloodsport cockfighting mode, and threw him out.  The little bird ran into my closet shivering and terrified.  I thought the best thing to do was give the little bird a break so it could calm down and then I'd open the front door and let him go out peacefully to live a long happy life.  The lights are off, I'm back in bed, all's quiet, the cat door has been put up to keep the killer Satch at bay.  Then, crash, bang, the bird is freaking out and crashing into the walls and mirrors, and I know he's going to kill himself out of confusion and fear.  So, again I get up, grab my laundry hamper and trap the bird, fluttering with all his might.  I'm so proud of myself, I am setting him freeeeeee..... at 5am in the morning.  I open the door and release him, and I know all is well in the universe.  Then, Satch comes screaming out between my legs and the bird and the cat go off like a couple of rockets down the street in the blackness of night.  I'm heartsick and more than a little peeved.  I try to go back to sleep but no use.  So I get up and walk down the street in my gown carrying a broom ready to thwack the cat enough to get the bird out of its jaws, grateful it wasn't garbage day when the trucks come by at 5:00, as I know I looked like a slightly less attractive combination of a Maxine cartoon and James Cagney.  Thankfully, I think the bird outran Satch and all's well until another day.  It is now 8:30 and I'm going to bed.  
  
I love my cat. 
  
Sharon

7 comments

  • Mickey McConnell

    Mickey McConnell Nashville TN

    I'm sure Satch thought he was paying you back for all the wonderful suppers you've provided for him over the years. Have you ever tried RATatooie? Yum!

    I'm sure Satch thought he was paying you back for all the wonderful suppers you've provided for him over the years. Have you ever tried RATatooie? Yum!

  • Amanda Cotton

    Amanda Cotton Fairhope

    If ever you decide to dive into another career I would strongly suggest writing short stories!! What a great account of the evening :-)

    If ever you decide to dive into another career I would strongly suggest writing short stories!! What a great account of the evening :-)

  • Eva Lynn Ashwander Odom

    Eva Lynn Ashwander Odom Almost next to nothing

    I love Satch. He has such character. However, I don't want to spend the night knowing that he is in charge of room hospitality.

    I love Satch. He has such character. However, I don't want to spend the night knowing that he is in charge of room hospitality.

  • Ken Spooner

    Ken Spooner Nashville

    Geez Louise !

    Geez Louise !

  • Mary Lu Duffy

    Mary Lu Duffy Fairhope

    If you don't talk about catnip to your cat, who will???

    If you don't talk about catnip to your cat, who will???

  • Martha

    Martha Fairhope

    OMG. That's hilarious. But I'm sure it wasn't at the time.

    OMG. That's hilarious. But I'm sure it wasn't at the time.

  • Diane

    Diane Houston

    I really enjoyed your story! I agree with Amanda on the short story idea.

    I really enjoyed your story! I agree with Amanda on the short story idea.

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